A reader writes: My second husband and I have been married for almost eight years. At first, our sex life was good. We had a long-distance relationship and would visit often.
For the next few years, we had good times and the sex was okay. But over the past few years, I have been turned down for sex on many occasions. We have talked and fought about it. He says he just does not get the urge that often, and it's not something he can just turn on.
He has tried natural remedies and even Viagra, but has never stuck with anything long enough to make a difference. We are both 46. We have talked about therapy, but have never gone. I am attractive and have had chances to pursue a sexual relationship with another. There is absolutely no infidelity on his part or mine. We are close and have fun together, but sex is an issue for me. Can anyone help?
It's time for talk
Sex and intimacy are vital to a healthy relationship and this is something you can't ignore. At 46, your husband seems rather young for Viagra. Has he seriously talked to a doctor about his declining libido? Some doctors may be too quick to suggest medication and ignore underlying reasons. There may be many reasons for it, such as lack of physical fitness and depression.
Sexual ability is often a big part of a man's ego and self-image, and this may bother him more than he lets on. It's time for a frank but gentle talk. If your husband hasn't talked openly and seriously with a doctor about this, he should. Even if he doesn't think it's a problem, he should do it for you. A healthy sex life is important, and really, what's wrong with more frequent sex?
Get that man to a doctor
Too many times, couples reach for the easiest solution to their lovemaking problems, such as popping pills, or the more traditional methods, such as therapy. And it's even more frustrating when couples who are close and have so much fun together can't fathom why the sexual part of their relationship is, shall we say, limp. Your husband says he's just not that interested any longer and, at 46, this should send out warning signals. There are so many other psychological, biological and medical variables that contribute toward a lack of interest in sex. Has he had a full medical checkup? From what you say about the rest of your relationship, it doesn't sound like it's you he's not interested in.
Get him to a doctor. There are also dedicated men's health clinics that specialize in sexual problems. There are many resources out there, and if both of you want to continue enjoying intimacy well into old age, there's no reason why you shouldn't get to the root of the problem, fix it and enjoy life to the fullest.
Get that woman a lover
The bottom line here is you want a normal romantic relationship with your husband. One doesn't generally marry a compatible roommate. If your husband is not already engaging in infidelity and he is not sharing a normal sexual appetite with you, then he is no longer a qualified candidate for marriage - not with you, anyway. If he had already had a good, sexy and romantic relationship with a long-term partner, he would not be satisfied with what he is sharing with you now - unless he is getting what he wants on the side.
What your man is telling you is the typical line given to so many women by guys who have mistresses or are looking for one. It is time for you to get a lover of your own. Test him by asking him if that is okay with him. If he says it is okay (as he should if you promise to be discreet), you have your answer: Keep him as a friend and get yourself a love life.
The Final Word
A sex therapist can help. And sex therapists exist aplenty; their proliferation reminds us that you are not the only one living out barrenness in the bedroom. Do not fret. There are many other women and men turning off the light, their bodies left unanswered.
Sex is our highest human invention; evolution rests in its carnal clutch. Our relationships can too. While couples can certainly co-exist in near abstinence, a life without lovemaking can be like closing a heavy lid on a skylight. While your world appears to be much darker, it asks you to be creative with the space that remains.
Marriage is an act of formidable endurance. You mention taking on a lover. I disagree with On the Side Rive's suspicious and vituperative response. A lover is the least imaginative and most destructive option. You will forfeit your marriage without mining its possibilities.
Instead, completely commit yourself to the process of locating your husband's desire. First, as espoused by Frank Talk Kuperis and Full Checkup Gerylo, ask him to visit a doctor. Thereafter, suggest that you seek counselling. Trust your interpretation of events. Your husband is not entirely secure in the sexual arena - and this hesitation is translating into an elusive libido. A therapist will help him to articulate the subtext. What lies behind his actions - or more accurately, his inactions? Your private discussions are breaking into fights. A therapist can form a bridge between you, shuttling difficult truths back and forth.
In the meantime, find other ways of expressing your affection. Turn up the erotic quotient in your life. Given your beginnings, you know that it exists; it just needs some prodding. Read poetry aloud. Slow dance in the living room. Send him a love letter. Kiss and touch like high-school sweethearts. Let the romantic gesture be enough. This tells your husband that sex is not the only means to closeness. He will feel less pressured and more appreciated for what he is currently able to give.
Throw yourself into your relationship with will and devotion. If you do, Knocked Sexless, my prediction: You may just find that with him once again, you see stars.
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